


Brackish

by Princess-Anakin (Lady_Anakin)



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Character Death, Gen, Murder, Rape, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:38:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2120532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anakin/pseuds/Princess-Anakin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew her well, Anakin did. Ahsoka had been his Padawan for almost two years now, he had watched her mature and grow into a strong young woman from a snippy girl. He had been there for her mistakes and her victories; they had grown close like siblings, the best of friends. No one could separate Skyguy and Snips.</p>
<p>        Nothing could separate them but death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brackish

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist if anyone is interested: http://open.spotify.com/user/12151515309/playlist/1zWH8wx1u6km2dTFQpGgOq

**brack·ish**  
adjective  
distasteful; unpleasant.

 

**Ahsoka**

 

I had no inkling of an idea what my first time would be like...but in my gut I knew this was not right. I shouldn't be afraid my first time, I didn't want it and it happened despite my cries for him to stop.  
I could have stopped him, but fear froze me.

I loved him, or I thought I did. Right now, all I knew was that I was afraid of Lux.

I'm allowed to change my mind, am I not?

"It's how you prove that you love me, Ahsoka. Yes, we are young, but we both fight in this war, you wouldn't want to miss our chance, would you?" He spoke with such a low and sinister voice, unlike him, his eyes narrowed as he held me close. I parted my lips and he took that as an invitation to kiss me. Once he pulled away, my voice was still lost, so I nodded.

How do I tell him no? It was easy...I'm strong. But I found myself weak around him, and I did not like that one bit. How is love supposed to feel? Is there fear? Master Skywalker, this is a lesson I need...but no. I'm a Jedi, I cannot fall victim to love. But I have...please someone, teach me.

He guided me, laid me down on the sleep couch. I sat up. "No." At last, my voice and strength returned. "Lux, no." I said a little softer. "I'm not ready."

"Not ready?" His voice elevated. "You said you were."

I said nothing of the sort but I could tell he was in no place to argue with now. Our relationship was fragile, I had to tread with care.

"I'm not ready." I repeated, hoping it would sink in. "I love you, Lux-"

"No you don't." He said, voice full of hurt. "Is this too much to ask of you?!"

"No..." yes it was. "There must be another way for me to prove it." I don't understand, why must I prove it?

"Intercourse is intimate and beautiful when shared between two people who love each other-"

"But I'm not ready." I almost begged. I felt like a broke holo-recorder. But I had to keep him talking, our stolen time together was running short, then we would not have time for...sex. the word made me shiver, and in no pleasant way. Proof I was nowhere close to ready. I didn't even think I ever wanted to. Jedi were in no way celibate, but I wanted to reach womanhood. At least, before I even thought about it.

Would forbidden love push me against my own beliefs?

I sat on the bed as the seconds ticked and Lux paced the small room. I had to think fast, why was he scaring me? Jedi did not feel fear.

"I want our first time to be romantic." But now I was starting to think I didn't want my first time to be with him. Lux was proving to be someone I could not trust and did not know as well as I thought.

"Ahsoka..." he said in that tone that made me feel naive. He laughed in his quick and condescending privileged boy way that becoming a warrior did not take from him. "We won't get that romantic place; we may not live past this day."

"I know-"

"Then why are you fighting this?" He sat close to me and took my hand in his. "This is our moment, I want to prove to you that I love you, wouldn't you wish to do the same?"

Before I could answer he was kissing me and the fear paralyzed me once again. Fear is the path to the Dark Side.

 

How many times did I scream? I knew he heard my pleas for him to stop, because he covered my mouth as he continued on. Everything hurt and there was blood. I felt slit in two and devoured. I want my innocence back. I sobbed, crying against his hand. It was like my voice ran away from me. And the Force? I couldn't call it to me, as I screamed in my head I tried to conjure the Force to throw Lux off me, but nothing came.

Even after the pressure of him inside me left and he dressed, I could not summon my power. I flinched as he kissed me. "See...wasn't that bad, was it? I love you." And he was gone.

I laid there in my own nudity for what felt like life times but it was only moments before I sat up and cleaned myself up and dressed. I wrapped my cloak around me tight wanting to vanish into it. My breathing quickened and I felt fear turn to anger. I screamed out in rage, the Force bursting through me upturning the furniture and shaking the durrasteel walls. I screamed until I fell to my knees, crying.

He will die for what he did. 

**"I think I'd rather crucify then learn  
** (take so much away from inside you, makes no sense,  
you know he can't guide you, he's your fucking shoulder to lean on, be strong!)  
Sit and watch me burn.."  
-"Brackish" Kittie 

 

**Anakin**

Silence. Deafening silence filled my head; I could not form the words even in my head to share my distraught. I found the words for anger, lashing out at the council for telling me in such a way that my Padawan, my sister, found dead by suicide.

No, not my Snips.

Alone I stood in the middle of the Council Chambers, clutching my fists as I shook, head bowed, I squeezed my eyes to fight the tears.

“Anakin…” Yoda said, his old voice sober and his lined face drawn down in a frown. “Understand, we do, that sadness you feel. Recommend we do an extended leave you take.”

I wanted to argue, that no, they did not understand. It was more than sadness; it was rage, questioning, hopelessness. I nodded, waiting for the masters to dismiss me. I looked up just enough to catch the eyes of Obi-Wan, and in his eyes I saw the sadness that he felt, but hidden, like a proper Jedi.

“You're dismissed, Anakin.” Obi-Wan replied.

I didn't even bow as I turned to leave, trying with all my might not to start running.

The Jedi Temple was always a quiet place, and sometimes too quiet for my liking. At this moment it was full of noises; the soft beat of boots against the tiles, the chatter as friends caught up and shared stories. The calm chatter had become solemn in the years of the war, but no tears. Never tears.

This was the last place I wanted to be right now.

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan called behind me, but I ignored him and continued on my way.

 

Padmé had yet to return my comm, I knew the Senate was in session and that she would be home tonight some time, but I needed her now. I headed home and collapsed on our bed, wrinkling and pulling up the sheets. I buried my face in the pillow, and it was here I let myself burst into an uncontrolled sob. She was gone. How could she be gone?

I rolled over to stare up at the ceiling, my tears sliding down into my ears, I wiped them away. Our last conversation, when was it? Did I miss something important that she said? Could I have prevented this? I screamed out in rage, my sorrow echoing the room. Artoo beeped sadly from the corner, even my faithful droid showed more emotion than my masters. He rolled out of the room, I wasn't even aware he followed me in here.

I was numb.

Last words were important, I obsessed with these. With Obi-Wan it was always “May the Force be with you.” we both understood the meaning, it was all they needed to say. With Padmé it was always “I love you.” Simple yet again. Simple words could mean galaxies of things. What about unexpected last words? As my Mother died in my arms. “Stay with me, Mom.” Just thinking of it brought more tears. I was too late to save her, and yet again, I was too late.

Ahsoka, I’m sorry.

 

 

“Master…can we talk?”

I looked up from the engine of the fighter I was doing repairs on. “Of course, Snips, what is it?” my Padawan stood there, holding her arms close to her, she looked hurt. “What’s wrong?” I tossed my tool into the fighter’s cockpit to stand with her, hand on her shoulder. She shook it off and backed away, fear glistened in her eyes. “Ahsoka?”

“Um, never mind, Master.” She gave a weak smile. “It wasn’t important.” And she seemed to stand taller, no longer looking broken as she did when she walked up to me. She faded from my sight.

“Ahsoka?!” I cried out. The scene started to fall apart, the scenery look like it was melting and Ahsoka was becoming blurry. “Come back, what was it that you were going to tell me!?”

“It’s not important, Master.” Her voiced echoed.

“Ani…Ani….Anakin!”

I sat up, drenched in sweat. I didn’t remember taking off my boots and tunics, Padmé must have when she found me asleep in our bed. She was holding my hand looking at me with concern. Her hair was still up and elaborate, it look like she had just gotten home.

“Nightmares again.” It was a statement; she knew it was always nightmares. She brushed back my hair from my forehead and kissed it; I pulled her into my arms and buried my face into her neck. She didn’t know… I would have to be the one to tell her.

“Padmé…” I said. I kissed her sweetly, trying to find the strength to tell her through her kiss. I pulled away, holding her hands tight and she continued to brush back my hair. Her deep golden honey eyes were heavy with sadness, but for what, she did not know. She sympathized with me as best she could. When I cried, she cried with me. But how did I tell her this?

“Take it slow. You don’t even have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I need to, you deserve to know.”

“It can wait, we should try to get to bed, sweetheart.” She got to her feet to undress, pulling out the hair ties and bobby pins from her hair, her fingers almost leaving my grasp. I pulled her back down to the bed with me. “Ani?”

“It can’t wait, it really can’t.” my eyes started to burn from the tears I was trying to fight off. “Padmé…Ahsoka…she…” I started to choke up; I could already see her eyes brim with tears. “Ahsoka was found dead yesterday.” I finally let out. “Th-they say it was suicide?” I questioned because I still did not believe it.

“Oh Anakin…no...Please no.” her tears fell heavy on my heart, and my own sorrow came raining down. I embraced her close as we both cried. “Why?” she sobbed out, her mascara running down her cheeks. I wiped it away with a coarse thumb and she leaned into my hand, biting her lip as she tried to hold back her sadness.

“I’ve been asking the same thing.”

“How did she…how did she die?”

“She bled out. She had cut her femoral artery…um, her inner thigh.” My voice was hollow. Why did the council tell me details? 

Padmé choked on her tears. “Oh Ahsoka, why?” I could see in my wife’s eyes that we had the same questions running through our mind. “Was there a note?”

“A suicide note?” the word felt like ash on my tongue. “There wasn’t, I asked that myself. The words Master Windu used was ‘Apparent Suicide’.” And again I choked on the word.

“Anakin…” Padmé’s eyes widened, “What if it wasn’t suicide?”

“Are you saying someone murdered her?” anger laced my words, fire burned in my gut. If I could avenge her, I would. Nothing could bring her back, but maybe then she could rest peacefully.

“Yes, Anakin. We must find out, there is no way she would have….she talked to us, to both of us, how could we have…” the rest of Padmé’s words were swallowed by her returned tears.

“Shhh, I know…I feel the same.” The very thought haunted my sleep. And it continued to do so as I laid there with Padmé, holding on to each other trying to make sense of this tragedy. I needed to find answers.

I needed some sort of closure.

 

 

Padmé called in sick today, to stay home with me; she needed the day off as well, she being as emotionally affected as I. We didn’t talk, but sat at the kitchen table, drinking caf. Neither of us had proper sleep the night before, waking up many times, discussing the possibilities on who could murder Ahsoka. The list of possible suspects was long, but no one had reason enough to kill her in the way they did.  
“I almost wish she was gunned down by blaster fire or cut down by saber. Then I would know who I would need to go after.” I said mostly to the cup in my hands, the dark liquid inside had gone cold.

“I wish she didn’t die.” Padmé said tearfully, her face was pale and makeup free. I felt my eyes starting to ache, wanting to cry again.

I got to my feet, pushing the chair from me violently and started to pace around the kitchen again. “I wish I could go back and change that, I wish I could. They won’t let me see her body until her funeral tomorrow.” I grabbed my cup and washed it out aggressively, just for something to do. I left all of my work tools in the hanger of the Resolute, there was nothing to fix here, and I was starting to go stir crazy.

“We need to start questioning people.” Padmé sounded determined.

“Like who?”

“Her other friends, maybe she said something to Rex or to, Barriss is it?”

I nodded. “She and Barriss are…were…close.” Speaking of her in past tense tore at me.

“Mistress Padmé, Master Ani. Master Kenobi is at the door, shall I let him in?” Threepio said as he shuffled in.

I looked up at Padmé. “How does he know I’m here?” I said quietly.

She got to her feet, shrugging. “I’ll go talk to him.” She made her way to the door and I followed behind, staying hidden out of sight.

“Obi-Wan, how are you?” her voice was pleasant and yet solemn, her years as a political figure she could switch emotions on queue.

“Padmé, I’m here to see Anakin, he’s here, isn’t he?” his tone was knowingly.

“What makes you think that?” her response, rapid fire.

“He was not at his usual hiding places and it’s no secret to me that this is one of them.”

I sighed and slipped into the entryway, “What is it, Obi-Wan?”

Padmé stepped aside to let Obi-Wan through. “I wanted to check in on you and-“

“I’m fine, see? I was given an extended time away; you can talk to me when I come back.” I snapped.

He sighed, closing his eyes. It was then I noticed it look like he as well had a restless night. “I wanted to talk to you, Anakin. I know you are not taking this well.”

“Could you expect me to?” my voice cracked, threatening tears once again. “She’s gone and I don’t understand why!” Padmé was by my side, turning me towards her, calming me down.

“I cannot comprehend it myself, I want answers as well, Anakin. Why did she take such a way out?” his voice was strained, hiding his emotion.

The anger I did not realized I was feeling, dissipated. I stepped forward and embraced him; he stiffened but then patted me on the back. My former Master wasn’t one for displaying affection. “Padmé and I have a theory.”

“Anakin…” he said in that disapproving tone.

“Hear us out, please.” Padmé said, her voice almost begging. “Between the three of us, we could figure something out.”

“Let’s hear it then.” He sounded interested. We moved to the sitting room, out of habit I sat across from Padmé instead of by her side, but being beside my master brought comfort.

“We think she was murdered.” I blurted out; I was never one for tact. Being upfront and honest about things got things done faster. I could never understand Padmé’s political world, where everything had a double or hidden meaning, and it took weeks to come to a decision that was decided in the beginning.

“Murdered? But why and by whom?” Obi-Wan didn’t disagree, like I first thought he would.

“We don’t know. We just want a reason to why she is gone.” Padmé spoke before I could. Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. I sat back and let them talk, she sharing all of our theories to him; it was probably wise of me. I knew how out of hand I could get. I started pacing again as they discussed who they should talk to, to help enforce the idea that she did not take her life.

“We will all find closure to this, I understand it takes time, but Anakin,” I stopped to face Obi-Wan. “You need to actively find peace with this. Dwelling on the ‘what ifs’ is only going to cause you more pain.”

“Maybe we will find out that she was in pain.” Padmé said sorrowfully. “But I think finding out that no one murdered her will be a relief.”

“What? Not for me. If she did kill herself, someone caused her enough pain to push her to that decision!” I looked at them, daring them to argue with me.

“Revenge is not the Jedi way, Anakin.” Obi-Wan warned.

“I don’t care!” I seethed, my hands balled up into fists. Padmé looked up at me, her eyes begging me to calm down. I obeyed. I physically relaxed and unclenched my hands. “You’re right, Obi-Wan. Finding answers will be the proper closure, the proper Jedi way.” I disagreed, but if I told Obi-Wan what he wanted to hear maybe he would let me be. Then I would go find answers my own way.

 

 

**"No one knows just what has become of her  
** Shattered doll, desperate  
Oh so innocent and delicate  
But too damn obdurate  
And obstinate to let go"  
-"Façade" Disturbed

 

Seeing her body made it far too real. She looked peaceful, adorn in traditional Jedi robes in neutral colors, her orange skin was subdued in death, and the blue of her head tails was dull. I pulled the blanket over her body, this being the second time I’ve had to do this. At least the first time, Obi-Wan wasn’t really dead, just a lie set up by the Council. Ahsoka was dead, though. The Council assured me, Obi-Wan assured me, they know better now than to play with my emotions like that again, I assume.

I was granted time alone, with my Padawan. My hand slid under the blanket and I found hers and gripped it tightly. She was cold, cold fingers I was accustomed too. How many of my own men have died before me as I tried to help them? I was able to avenge them quickly, not properly. All of their deaths will still haunt me until I end this war. I squeezed her hand again.

“I will avenge you, I promise you that. You will have not died in vain.” I felt myself choking up and I breathed deep. “Whoever hurt you, they will pay.”

The door to the funeral room opened, Obi-Wan and Padmé entered. “Are you okay?” she asked lightly. I nodded. Obi-Wan squeezed my shoulder. We stood at the head of the funeral pyre as the Council members and a few other Jedi filled the room around us and Ahsoka’s final resting place. Rex and Cody came in together and stood with Obi-Wan and I, followed by a few more members of Torrent Company.

I insisted that it would be me to tell the Clones about Ahsoka. I have seen many of my men cry before, losing their brothers or sometimes even cries of joy that we somehow survived a mess that I got us in, but losing her like this hit them hard. Especially Rex, who came up to me privately to give me a tight but quick hug with a firm pat on my back. He wouldn't take his helmet off but I could feel his sorrow radiating off of him. "Why?" he asked gruffly. I didn't answer, and seeing him here again, I still couldn't give him an answer. 

The last to arrive was Plo Koon and Barriss Offee. I could see the sadness drawn on Barriss’ face. Her eyes were still puffy from crying, but she had wiped away her tears, trying to appearing emotionless. I could sense Plo’s grief, it burned as much as my own. We met eyes and nodded our heads to each other.

The ceremony was brief, her body lowered into the stone floor, covered, and then a beam of light, incinerating her physical form from existence.

Good bye, Ahsoka.

 

 

 

I was going crazy. Padmé insisted I stay home, just one more night; try to get some proper sleep, before I start looking for answers. Sadly, she was torn away from me by the Senate being brought back in session. She wanted nothing more but to help me, but just because someone important to me dies, the Galaxy has the nerve to continue on. She has her duty, and I have mine. The war could wait. Ahsoka needed me more.

When I shared this with Padmé she was dressing, she looked at me with kind eyes but a sigh followed. “You know Ahsoka would want you to win this war, for her.”

I nodded, she was right. Ahsoka was a selfless person, putting everyone before herself; she learned that from me. “I must do this first.”

“I know, sweetheart. And she would have done the same thing for you, and I would be telling her the same thing. Am I right?” she fixed collar to my tunic and smoothed down the lapel.

“Yes.” I admitted.

“I’m not going to stop you. I wish I could help you but-“

“But the Senate calls.” I finished for her and kissed her on the forehead.

 

And now, I sit in our home, alone. My previous drive to finding Ahsoka’s killer, or reason for taking her life, dissipated in a fog of sorrow as I thought over what Obi-Wan had said to me at the funeral.

“Ahsoka would not want to see you like this, Anakin. I’m sure of this. Be the Jedi you are and let her go. Live on in her memory as much as you have in your Mother’s.”

He didn’t know that I slaughtered a village of Tuskin Raiders for my Mother, so he wouldn’t understand that I would do the same for Ahsoka. I needed to find the culprits or the source of her pain. But how did one destroy something that haunted her, such as the war? The simple answer was that it was this kriffing war that brought her to deaths door far too early. End the war, avenge my Padawan. But in my gut I knew, it had to be more than that.

I was jostled out of my thoughts by the beeping from my commlink. “Skywalker.”

“Anakin, it’s Plo. Could we arrange a meeting?”

I was caught by surprise by his call, but I should have seen it coming. “Of course, Master.”

“Would right now work?”

“Yes, where would you like to meet?” I had already gotten to my feet, swinging my robe back onto my shoulders and I was out the door.

“Temple Gardens, where the turu-grasses are.”

I disconnected our conversation and hopped into my speeder and sped off to the Temple. When I arrived and then reached the Temple Gardens I found Master Plo standing on the path, looking into the small patch of land of long white and red grass. The Temple Gardens was massive and beautiful, home to thousands of species of shrubs, flowers, and trees, including turu-grass, native to Shili, Ahsoka’s home planet.

As I stood by Plo’s side, he continued to stay quiet, gazing out into the grasses as they danced in the wind. With the Kel Dor’s mask and goggles, it was difficult to know his emotions, straight off his face, but from his cheeks. When raised he was cheerful, content, humors. Lowered was anger, sadness. I would have to been a fool to not know what the lowered cheeks meant at this moment.

“Did Ahsoka ever tell you the story of when she was found?” he broke the silence with this question.

“I’m afraid not, Master.” I turned to gaze at the grasses as well.

“I was on mission on Shili.” He started. “Two hunting villages wanted a Jedi to mediate a dispute, not to brag but it was resolved without bloodshed thanks to yours truly. I was about to leave but I just couldn’t. The Force was telling me to stay. So I did something you would later be known for and I disobeyed the Council.” His cheeks raised slightly in a smile toward me. I returned in kind. “The Force brought me to the wild hunting lands where I searched for three days not even knowing what I was looking for. Then on my fourth day on the dry planes I came across a decaying log and inside sat a little Togruta girl barely the age of three.” He chuckled. “She was so mad at me, that log was her home. After several bites later I got her in my arms and calmed down. She was so strong in the force. I couldn’t just take her so I took her back to the village. No one there was missing a child and no families were missing. She could barely to talk in her native tongue and didn’t know what parents were nor a name. The local hunters starting calling her little brave or hero, but in their language, ah soka. They offered to raise her in their village…” his voice grew hoarse and it shook. “But she refused to leave my arms.”

I felt slow tears roll down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly with my sleeves.

“You were the perfect Master for her, Anakin. I was always on Obi-Wan’s side about you having a Padawan. I was the one who suggested that she was the one who would be train by you.”

“Really, Master?”

He slowly nodded. “I almost trained her myself, but I already had my own Padawan and if I didn't I still would of not. I was far too attached, she was like my daughter. Losing her has been the hardest thing I have ever faced.”

“She’s like my sister. To be perfectly honest I am not handling this well at all myself.” I admitted.

That is when Plo turned to me and the next thing he said left me in shock. “Forget your Jedi training for once, Anakin. You must find who did this to her.”

 

 

Plo’s permission to break mandate was all I needed. I was fueled with the fire that would guide me to the answers; once again, my mourning became purpose. I had a standard week before I was to be shipped out again, that was all I needed. I would find my answers, I would avenge her, and then I would win this war for Ahsoka.

My first stop was the location of her death. The only problem was that I could not go asking around where she was found, and then everyone would know what I was doing. Plo was unable to tell me because he himself did not know, and did not want to know. I could tell in the tone he spoke that he wanted nothing more but to join me on my hunt for the truth, but as a Master and a Council Member, he would keep to his oaths. I’ve broken so many already; there is no turning back now.

I meditated with my data pad placed before me. I was having no luck hacking the files for the Jedi Temple. I had access to most of it, but not what I needed. I opened my eyes, my thoughts too scattered to fall into a peaceful state. I didn’t think I would have been able to as it was. I typed into the data pad again, looking for a possible way to look at the report on her death. And still, all it gave me was her date of death, and the rest of the information was denied from me. I tried Obi-Wan’s password.

“Access Granted.” The computerized voice rang from my data pad.

“Wish I thought of that in the beginning.” I smirked, slightly. Obi-Wan didn’t know that I knew his codes, but he would probably find out soon. The same file showed up, as before, Ahsoka’s time of death, cause, location? That information was still not listed. What was listed was who found her. Jedi Knight, Barriss Offee.

She was one of my oldest friends at the temple, and very quickly she and Ahsoka had become close. I could only imagine how Barriss felt, finding her like that. I quickly looked up her comm signal in the directory.

“Offee.” She answered quicker than I thought she would.

“It’s Anakin…”

“Master Jedi.”

“You don’t have to call me that any more, we’re both Knights now.”

“Out of respect…” she started to argue.

“Barriss, we’ve been friends for years-“

“And you haven’t act like one since Ansion.” She interrupted, her voice raised slightly in pitch.

“Life…changed a lot after that. That’s when the war started.” I tried to defend. The truth was, when I was still a Padawan, and before the war, I had somewhat of a crush on her, but that all changed when Padmé came back into my life, I didn’t realize until now that I felt guilty for it. That was no reason to abandon our friendship. “We should meet up, Barriss.”

“For what?”

“I don’t think it’s something we should talk about over comm.”

“It’s about Ahsoka, isn’t it?” Her voice sounded strained.

“Yes. I’ll meet you at Dex’s Diner.”

And I was out the door before I disconnected the comm. I was the first to arrive; I ordered caf for both of us and grabbed a booth in the back. By the time Barriss showed up I was already on a second cup of caf.

“I ordered you caf, but it’s probably cold. Sit and I’ll get you another one.” I said rather fast. I couldn’t believe I was scared. I guess I didn’t want to see where she did die; but I needed to.

“It’s okay Anakin, I’m not going to be here for long. I have an Initiate Trial to watch, possibly going to be choosing my…” she trailed off.

I understood why she did; I gave her a small smile. “You are going to make a great Master. You have the patience for it.”

And she returned the smile. We talked a little, about the war, where we were each shipped off to next, it was mostly me delaying the inevitable. I knew we both did not want to talk about it, but it must be done. I fiddled with my empty caf cup as I stared at the empty depths.

“I should head back…”

“Dependable Barriss.” We both smiled and then grew sad. “I…I need to know where you found her, and don’t ask me how I found out that you were the one to…”

“Anakin…” she said disapprovingly and then she let out a sigh and got to her feet. “You have a speeder, right? I might as well miss the trials.”

She directed me to a lower level of Coruscant. It wasn’t the slums but it was a far cry from 500 Republica but an improvement to where I grew up in as a slave. We exited the speeder and she lead me to a dingy bottom floor apartment. The apartment was one room with a bed and a small kitchenette, clean and neat, barely lived in, all that disturbed it was the police tape that was left across the door that I ripped off as we entered.

I could sense her, like a ghost…and one other presence, familiar as well.

“Who else was here when you found her?” I asked, my eyes scanning the area. There was a stain of blood on the bed sheets.

“No one, she was alone.” 

“How did you find her here?” I demanded as I started to pace the small room.

Barriss crossed an arm across her stomach and had her hand up to her face as she stifled a cry. This was the most raw I have ever seen her.

“Barriss?” I asked a little calmer.

“S-she told me…she told me…that she was going to kill herself.” She fought a sob as she took a deep breath. The well trained Jedi had taken control of her emotions once more.

No…I sat on the edge of the bed in shock. It was what they told me, but it was really true? My fingers brushed the dried blood stain. Ahsoka… “Wh-why?”

“She told me she was hurting.”

“Who hurt her? How did they hurt her?”

“In the worst way possible.”

“And what’s that? Who did it?” I yelled.

Barriss’ eyes gleamed with tears. “She wouldn’t tell me! I kept an eye on her ever since she told me that she….sh-she wanted to die. But…I was called away. I was thankful to hear you both were as well. I returned before you did and I dreaded every report of Jedi deaths that came in, thinking I may read her name.” she took a moment to fight off a wave of tears.

“She was…different…our last mission.” I said as I awaited Barriss to gain control of herself. “Quieter than normal, but I was so focused on the mission that I…I didn’t bother to think that anything was wrong.” I rested my head in the palms of my hands, fingers ranking my hair. “I kriffed up.”

“We both have to remember, we didn’t. Okay, Anakin?”

“Reasonable Barriss…” it was what all the Padawans called her when we were children. Ahsoka called her that, too. It was true.

“I’m right.”

“I know.” I rubbed my face as I fought the tears. “So you…found her. How did you know she would be here?”

“She never returned my comm once she was back, since I was worried of course I panicked and tried to find her. I ended up following a trail that lead to here and I f-found her…she was cold and still.” She dropped to the bed beside Anakin. “I tried to heal her, I did. I tried everything…I bargained with the Force to take my power to bring her back.” She closed her eyes tight as tears were squeezed out. “I’m sorry I wasn’t-“

“No, don’t you dare say it. You just said that neither of us is to be blamed.”

“I should have told you what she told me, but she asked me not to…she didn’t want you to worry.” She said through tears.

I got back to my feet and started pacing again. She did kill herself, but I could still avenge her, nothing will stop me. “Who are her other friends?”

“I know of me, Scout, the Clones…you…Master Plo.”

“I mean non Jedi, I can’t think that a Jedi would hurt her in the worse way.” My mind played with the idea of what the ‘worse way’ was, but I couldn’t fathom it.

“What are you planning on doing, Anakin?” Barriss questioned in a worried tone.

“What do you think?” I hissed.

“Anakin! That’s not the Jedi way!”

“You should know better by now, Barriss, I don’t care anymore.”

 

**"I pulled away to face the pain.  
** I close my eyes and drift away.  
Over the fear that I will never find  
A way to heal my soul.  
And I will wander 'til the end of time  
Torn away from you."  
-"My Heart Is Broken" Evanescence

I took Barriss back to the Jedi temple and returned to the apartment, turning off my comm. I sat in the middle of the floor, cross legged, looking around. I wanted to search it, maybe it had answers? I checked who owned it and it was not owned by anyone. I gazed at my surroundings again. Was it invading since she was gone? If I could only find answers…. If ghosts could talk.

I moved to sitting on the sleep couch, my hand resting on the dried blood. There was no hint of the living Force in it. Why would I think there would be? I had never felt so empty or lost. There were always reasons, always answers, and always solutions. But how do you avenge someone who killed themselves if you cannot even put face to the demons that pushed them?

I was wrong, the Force still danced here in the deepest shadows, it latched onto me as soon as I felt it, tearing at my heart.  
Pain.  
So much Pain. But it was freeing. I could feel her life slipping slowly as she gave in and gave up, but to her she was escaping. Then her regret surfaced as her loved ones came to her mind. I saw the faces of Barriss, Obi-Wan, Plo, and Rex. I saw myself. I saw the Bonteri boy but it shattered like glass as fear and anger shattered her regret and the bliss of death came over her. 

"No." I pulled myself from the pain. 

But this was the last I would get of Ahsoka so I allowed myself to fall back into what she left in the Force, this tragedy would give me understanding. 

I stood where she stood, tears rolling down my cheeks as they did hers, the numbness in my heart and the only clear path before me. But no, this wasn't her memory but my own. Padme's empty apartment, I was still a Padawan and it was the first time I had thought Obi-Wan had died, the time it wasn't a trick. Everything dies, Anakin. I was going to lose everyone so what was the point, could I even keep my wife alive? 

The scene flashed before me and my hand was reaching into the medicine cupboard -Ahsoka's hand was reaching for the razor.  
I swallowed a cocktail of pills - Ahsoka clutched the blade in her hand, careful not to cut her palm.  
I laid down and waited to die - Ahsoka laid down and spread her legs and cut herself deeply on her inner thigh.  
I fell asleep - Ahsoka bled out. 

Everything dies.

I looked up as the door opened and Lux Bonteri stepped in looking just as surprised as I was to see him. I rose to my feet as he entered further.

“Why are you here?” he demanded, his pale blue eyes flicked over behind me and the widened as he saw what I assume was the blood stain. “Wh-where’s Ahsoka?” he looked at me accusingly.

He didn’t know. Oh Force, he didn’t know. “You and Ahsoka were close?” I asked already knowing the answer.

He nodded, walking in more, eyes fixated on the blood stain. “She’s my friend.”

“Your girlfriend.” I stated. Ahsoka's memories flooded my head again, the shattering image of Lux with the drowning of hatred and pain. 

“Master Skywalker, I know she is not allowed to be in a relationship. We are just friends, I promise that-“ he said in a panic.

“Lux, it’s okay. I’m not mad that you two were dating.” It would make me the biggest hypocrite if I was.

“Where? Where’s Ahsoka? Wh-why is there blood on the bed?” his tone was demanding.

Ahsoka's fear welded up inside of me. "Maybe you should tell me why." I threatened, lightsaber ignited and the tip at his throat. 

He backed away, full of anger and fear. Yes, he should be very afraid of me. "I don't know! Why would I know!?" 

"You know something, I know that much. She's dead and you know why." anger rose like a dragon spreading his wings.

"D-dead?" his voice shook. "No, why would she leave me?" 

"Leave you?! You did not own her. What did you do to her!"

"I didn't kill her, I swear. I swear I didn't." 

"I know you didn't kill her, she killed herself."

"What?" 

"What did you do?" 

"Nothing!" he stammered, but I could see the guilt in his eyes. I could feel Ahsoka's fear as he fucked her and she begged him to stop. The love she once felt for him fleeting as she was unsure what she should do. She didn't quite believe it was happening as she closed in on herself. But that was enough for me. I force pushed Lux hard into the bed, hearing his head crack against the frame. I could break him like a twig with just my will if I wanted to, but that would be too quick, too soon. 

"Why!" he cried out as he held his head, tears flowing. How dare he cry. 

"That is what I am wondering. Why did you rape her?" bile climbed in my throat at the thought and boiled away in anger once more. 

"What?" 

I raised my hand and his body rose as well and I tossed him like a rag doll off the bed and stalked towards him as he struggled to his feet, I saw a glint of a vibro blade in his hand. "You raped her, do not deny that. I can tell that you're lying. Why did you?!" My voice roared deeper. 

"I-I-I.." 

"No, I don't care why. There is no excuse!" 

Lux then lunged at me with the vibro blade, I caught his wrist but I was distracted enough for him to kick my saber from my hand. I broke his wrist and took the vibro blade from him and he fell to the ground screaming in pain, but yet he still tried to get to his feet. He was determined, I would give him that; but he was a fool going against a Jedi Knight. He leaped at me again and I used his blade against him, cutting him across the chest, but it didn't stop him. It was just a scratch. I had to remember that with a hard edge blade I need to put pressure against it, that it didn't act the same as plasma. He couldn't land a hit on me, I realized now I was toying with him, blocking each hit from him not landing one myself, waiting for the perfect opportunity.  
He managed to knock me off my feet and pin me to the ground, he went to punch my face and I threw him off me over my head and with his vibro blade I sliced his inner thigh using all my strength to cut through the cloth of his trousers and to tear his skin, I felt the knife dig into him and slide out as he laid on the ground crying out in pain. 

"That is what you made her do." I said as I got to my feet. His hand shook from shock as he went for his comm. I stepped on his other hand, breaking it and the commlink.  
"H-help!" he squawked.  
"No." I was numb  
He bled out, the noises he made as he died were silent to me. There was nothing in my head but the fire that raged. The flame that took Ahsoka's body away could not take away my sorrow. The longer I watched, the fire calmed. I didn't move until the fire in my head started to smoke out. The body stopped making noises, leaving a large dark puddle under him. I stared at it, my head filled with silence. It was so heavy, from tears, from images, from the silence... I wish it would just all go away. I closed my eyes and opened them again hoping to wake up at home and all of the past few days events to be a nightmare. 

The body was still there.  
"Krif..." I couldn't panic now, my hands fumbled with my comm.  
"Commander Rex."  
"Rex! Rex... I need your help." I took a deep breath to calm myself. He would understand.  
"Help with what, sir?" his tone was patient, I knew he wouldn't mind if I took another minute to just breath.  
"I need help getting rid of a body." to the point. "I'll explain more once you get here."  
"General Skywalker... of course. I'll be there. Come alone?" good ol' Rex. I felt guilty of abusing his loyalty.  
"Yes." I hissed, it hurt to breath and I had to avoid looking at the crime I left. I quickly gave him the location and disconnected and backed myself against the wall and slid to the floor. I've seen my share of bodies, enough of them from my own hand in cold blood. I didn't sit and watch the Tuskin's bodies, though. I grabbed my mother and ran and let the desert take them. There was no harsh winds to cover this body in scorching sand. No wild life to gnaw at the remains. My guilt was here for the galaxy to see.  
No, it was Justice.

Rex arrived in a timely matter. I let him in and quickly closed the door behind him.  
"Holy shit..." Rex let out removing his helmet to see it with his own eyes. "General?"  
"He raped Ahsoka."  
That was all he needed to hear. His face became stone. "Where should we dump the body?"  
"I don't have a clue." I said desperately. I was thankful for not being alone.  
"There is a trash dump only a block away from here. We can take back streets and dispose of it."  
"Brilliant, Rex. You're brilliant. The chemicals will start dissolving his body before anyone misses him. Nothing left."  
"My thoughts exactly." 

 

It was quick work, but it felt final. "Thank you, Rex. I owe you, big time."  
"Sir, it was my honor. I just wish I could have done more."  
"More?"  
"Stopped him before it happened."  
"So do I." but I remembered what I told Barriss. "No, neither of us is to be blamed. Just him."  
"I don't have closure."  
I watched Rex carefully. I knew him very well but I had never seen him this broken down before. "Nothing can bring her back."  
"But he won't hurt anyone like that again, we can take solace in that." Rex stated.  
"You're right." they were silent again, Anakin had this far off look. "Do you think she would of wanted that?"  
"Wanted what, sir?"  
"For him to die?"  
"I think she would of wanted justice, and the only justice for scum like him is exactly what you did." Rex grabbed my shoulder and squeezed, slipping back on his helmet. "Do you need an escort back to the temple?"  
"No....no...I'll be fine."  
Even with his helmet on I knew he was giving me that look where he didn't believe me.  
"I promise. I just want to walk and clear my head. I'll report to you when I've arrived home, I promise."  
"Very well, sir." 

 

**"At the end of the world  
** Or the last thing I see  
You are  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?  
And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?  
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me"  
-"The Ghost of You" My Chemical Romance

 

I made my way in the direction of 500 Republica, knowing I could find comfort in Padme's arms as I told her what I did. She would assure me that I was not a monster. But for now I wanted to wallow in my choices. I had always wanted to do right by Ahsoka, my padawan. My friend. My sister. I was responsible for her in every way, it was hard not to lay the blame on myself. What did I do wrong where she did not think to tell me what happened? I could of helped her, I could of killed him sooner and kept her alive! But what was done was done and I would never see the little spit fire, as Rex used to call her, again. I didn't bother wiping away the tears that slid down my cheeks.  
"I failed you Ahsoka." I said to the empty street.  
"You didn't fail me, Skyguy."  
I turned around, my heart racing. "Ahsoka?" there was no one there.  
"I'm safe." the disembodied voice whispered again in my ear.  
"But you're gone! You're...you're dead!" I kept looking over my shoulder, waiting for a ghost or a trick pretending to be Ahsoka to be hovering behind me -just like my mother did back on Mortis.  
"But now I'm at peace. Stop looking for me, Anakin. I can't come back as a ghost...not yet."  
"What do you mean?" I stood there still, closing my eyes.  
"I can't tell you, you'll understand one day."  
"Snips, I want to know now."  
"Work on your patients, Master. We'll see each other again some day. Now please, go home, be at peace. You were the perfect master, thank you for avenging me."  
"Snips..." the tears were full force.  
"Don't worry, you're still stuck with me, Skyguy."  
And with her last words I felt a little less cold and my heart a little less heavy. I reached into a pouch on my belt and pulled out her Padawan beads and held them tight.  
"Farewell, Snips."


End file.
